Hanging On; Craving Comfort

 I try to be a positive person (although my family would probably argue that point).  Is the thought that the universe will bring what you put out there?  Or to be biblical:   "A man reaps what he sows." (Galatians 6:7).  Or as the full verse goes:  "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.  Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

Of the above, the phrase that leaps out at me now is "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up," because I TRY to do good. (I do not always succeed; in my 50+ years on this earth I've done my share of breaking MOST of the 10 commandments.)  However, I must confess that I AM weary.  Perhaps I am not weary of doing good because often "doing good" actually benefits ME in some way.  Sometimes I think I do good for others so that I can FEEL good.  (Isn't that kind of selfish?)  What I am weary of is the seemingly constant challenges/"bad things" that come my way.  Since 2020, I've endured a pandemic, having Covid, seeing my parents struggle with illness, watching my mother and father die.  Even as I know there are those who have more hardship than I, my grief, frustration and anger are not assuaged.  (Why would they be?)  Emotions cannot be quelled by the knowledge that you may be more blessed than cursed.  "Think of the good things you've got," rings false in the pain of the moment(s).

Sometimes, I want to ask God/the universe:  "Why are you picking on me?  I know I am not a perfect person.  I know I am not always a good person.  But I TRY to be a good person.  I TRY to be a Christian and follow the teachings of Jesus.  Yes, I fail, but don't I succeed more often than not?  Isn't it time to move onto something else?  I NEED a break."

Each New Year, I start out with hope and optimism.  I wrote this back on the first day of 2020.  We all know how that year panned out.  But still I kept a positive outlook when 2021 came in:  
https://bfthsboringblog.blogspot.com/2021/01/the-virus-diary-how-is-this-day.html.  My optimism waned in the beginning of 2022:  https://bfthsboringblog.blogspot.com/2022/01/what-year-are-we.html and by the end of that year, I was certain that it was the worst year I would have to endure.  To which 2023 replied: "hold my beer."

I have prayed for a better 2024.  I have tried to be hopeful.  My "word" of the year is peace and I want to embrace that, but...

There was snow/rain last Saturday/Sunday.  There was a serious Nor'easter Tuesday/Wednesday (coming in with a new moon which makes the tides lower and HIGHER) and then last night there was another torrential downpour with gusty winds. (Winds continue to gust as I write this.  There will be more snow on Tuesday with more on Friday.  

Its winter, deal with it, right?  All of this, compounded by the already saturated ground has led to flooding in many areas.  I was naive enough (or maybe blind to what should have been obvious) to think that I could go down to the shore and take care of a few things.  (Like taking down the little Christmas tree I have in the den.)  I knew that there had been issues in the area, but I was bold enough to pack up items to carry me through to Friday and have my husband do the same.  We even stopped to pick up a few grocery items for the weekend.  And then...

We saw how flooded Bay Head was, but we pressed on.  The highway was mostly clear.  There were 2 points where we had to go through water, but it was doable and other cars led the way.  Then we came to the right turn on 7th Ave.  (Which would take us to our block.)  It was closed and very obviously impassable.  (I'm guessing the water would have been up to me knee...of course I am short.)  Perhaps I could turn down 6th?  No.  The right lane of the highway was closed and cars slowed as it looked like there was lots more water ahead.

I turned left onto 5th and headed back on the north branch of the highway.  I stopped at the corner of 7th (a block east of where the southbound branch is) and parked my car in the Weichert Real Estate lot.  We got out and walked back towards the southbound portion of the highway.  To keep our feet dry, we had to stay on the east side of the road and walk up to road a bit (about 3 houses worth) to cross the highway without getting our feet wet.  We crossed and went into the front yard/parking area of a house that belongs to friends of mine/my parents.  Their property was dry.  We went around to the back of the house, the side which the lagoon is on and from where you can see our house.  And this is what greeted us:

 

There was no real way to reach the house to see if water had gotten in or how badly it might have gotten in.  Although it looks to me like the water has reached the house, I'm not sure if it has risen enough to get in.  Maybe UNDER (there is only a disgusting crawl space, which is difficult to get in if you are a person, but not if you are water.  Or with the gusts water could have seeped in somehow.  But I don't know and I won't know until the waters recede and I can get back down.  (Which would probably be Friday at the earliest.)

And this has broken me.   While I should find solace in the fact that I have another house to live in and that I am not trapped there, I cannot.  I know I should be grateful that I have so much, yet I am hurting and bitter. To be (overly) dramatic here:  My soul is sobbing and the voice in my head is screaming:  "HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO ENDURE?!"  

And then I think of how selfish that is.  How blessed I am, but my emotions don't care about that.  I can't feel gratitude right now, I can only feel loss and pain.  A house may only be a "thing," but it also is the key that ties me to my parents and good memories.

I keep taking deep breaths and trying to keep it all in perspective, but I'm a flawed (extremely flawed) human being with emotions that are raging like a roaring river.  (Perhaps that is a bad analogy.)

Peace is supposed to be my word this year.  Peace is what I am actively seeking.  The place where I find calm and comfort is inaccessible and damaged.  Today I am hanging on, but barely.

This is not where I want to be, but this is where I am.  Trying NOT to be weary, not just in doing good, but in doing. Hanging on.  Craving comfort.   Moving forward as best I can.