Words of Comfort, Words of Wisdom?
From the end of 2021 till my father's death in July
of 2023, I was the child who was taking care of her parents. They say the
roles reverse when you and your parents get to a certain age, but that's not
completely true. While you may be "parenting" your parents,
they are still adults with specific thoughts and opinions. It's difficult
to honor that while also trying to get and give the best care possible.
It just very well may be IMPOSSIBLE, even though we dare not even think
that. And parenting parents is MUCH more difficult than being a parent to
a child. Trust me, I've done both now and the latter is more emotional
and draining with much more complexities involved. If you are looking
after a parent (even if you have round-the-clock care), it is EXHAUSTING.
It is frustrating. There seems no end in sight to the madness; until the
end comes. (And then there is more madness, but that's a whole other
story.)
Having been down this road twice (and it totally sucked
each time), doesn't make me an expert. It does make me knowledgeable. It
gives me insight that the average person probably doesn't have. It
definitely makes me more empathetic.
Now that I am "done" (although the stress lives
on in different guises), I'm seeing friends, co-workers and acquaintances going
through the same thing. Only it's not completely the same. Everyone
is at a different place in the journey, everyone has different resources.
Each situation is unique. But the emotions (and there are a wide variety
of them), the exhaustion, the stress...while they may peak at different times
and appear in different way, the caregiving child (who now acts as a parent is
the same.)
I would love to have words of wisdom. I would love to
provide comfort. I don't know if I can, but I can try. What I write
might not help, but it probably won't hurt.
- There is no
right. You just do what you can. You try your best. In
your mind (in your heart?) it may not feel like you are doing your
best. You'll beat yourself up. You'll feel guilty.
DON'T. Easier said than done...In all honesty, it probably can't be
done. If you can't give yourself a little grace, at least let those
around you give it to you. Sop up all the love and support you
can. You need it; you DESERVE it.
- You don't have
to talk to anybody. You don't have to share. If you want too
great. (My friends, I am here if you want me.) It's okay to
say you don't want to talk right now. You want help; don't be afraid
to ask. You DON'T want help, it's okay to say no.
- Do it your way;
not mine. I'm not going to judge you. (And if anyone does,
they're not a good friend.)
- This process
can be long or short. While it's going on, it will feel LONG.
Brace yourself for it. Take care of yourself (as best you can) and if you
can or want, let others take care of you.
- You will be
exhausted. Let yourself rest when you can (if you can). There
is NOTHING wrong with going to bed at 6 PM at night. There is
nothing wrong with taking a nap during the day. If you can rest,
do! (I know sometimes you want to but the body/brain is just not
willing to give it up.)
- Hospice is a
wonderful. Palliative care is a resource that I wish I had used
earlier. Ask about it. The teams that supported my parents
(and me) were amazing. And if for some reason it's NOT helpful, let
the team (or team manager) know.
- You will have
to make difficult choices. Make the one that is right for you and
(if you can) let it go. When my father was dying, I had to make a
lot of difficult choices; I was heading towards my son's graduation
ceremony when I hospice called me with an update. I took the call,
but then turned off my phone. I wanted to focus on my son. I feel no
guilt over that. A little over a week later, I took my family away
for a 4-day graduation vacation. My father died while we were
gone. I TRY not to feel guilt about that. I KNOW that it was
the right thing to do for me and for my family, but that doesn't make it
easy.
- When a parent
dies, the work doesn't end. Although everyone's situation is
different, I am still dealing with issues and items. My mother still
gets tons of solicitations in the mail (emailing the company and asking to
take her off the list seems to work somewhat). I'm still working
through some of my father's financials. (There is no way I could
deal with any of their stuff without their, now my, accountant.).
Buck up and give yourself time and grace to deal with it all. (And
don't be surprised if you're getting stuff a year or more after the fact.)
- There is no
right or wrong...I know I started this "list" with those words,
but it bears repeating. Just as you are a unique individual, so are your
circumstances. As you navigate this process, remind yourself of
that. This is not a cookie cutter situation; one size does not fit
all. All you need to do is what you can; that is the right thing.
I hope this post was
helpful to someone. IF my experiences and thoughts can be of any help to
you (or you think they might), drop a comment and we can connect. It's
important to remember that although our situations may be different, they are
also similar AND you are NOT alone. You are NOT alone.
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