Guilty Brain?

 

Last July, just 2 days after my father died, I declared that I was not guilty  That's what I thought then.  It's what I'd like to think now.  At least on a "rational" level.  However, my brain is NOT always rational.  It should be, but...

Since my father's passing in July, I've had several HORRIFYING dreams.  Two in particular stand out for me.  One where I woke up not exactly screaming but making guttural noises (because in my nightmare I was trying to speak/scream but couldn't).  I woke my husband up too.  

Just the other night, I had another ghastly dream.  This time I didn't wake up my husband (thankfully), but there was no way I could get back to sleep.

There have been more, but these are the two that are forever burned in my memory.  Both involved my father.    And both have left me haunted and feeling guilty.

Both my parents died within a year of each other.  I have had no dreams of my mother.  My father, obviously, is a different story.

Why?  I think there are a couple of reasons.  One, I was there when my mother died.  (https://bfthsboringblog.blogspot.com/2022/07/i-am-here.html).  I wasn't there when my father died.  I had made a conscious choice to go away with my husband and son as we had planned to celebrate my son's high school graduation.  It had been just a week and a day since I had brought him home on hospice care.  (No more back and forth from hospital to rehab.)  It had been exactly a week since I had last seen him.  I knew there was a possibility that he would pass while we were away.  However, I honestly thought he would hold on longer; probably until the 4th of July or maybe right before or after the anniversary of my mother's death (July 9).  On the other hand, I should have KNOWN that it would happen during our vacation.  For several years, every time we went away (always just for a few days), when we came back there would be bad news.  It got to the point where I dreaded coming home and getting THE call.

The second reason is that his suffering (and it WAS suffering) had gone on for so long.  While my mother's health took a turn in November of 2021 with a wide variety of issues popping up every other month or so, her health didn't take a serious turn until June 7th (my birthday) and then it was a relatively steady decline until July 9th.  My dad's health issues had been going on for years (and might have contributed in some way to my mother's decline), but I things really started to go downhill in January of 2023.  From February onward my dad was either in the hospital or a rehabilitation facility.  I was driving back and forth weekly and while there were some improvements, for the most part everything was moving in the wrong direction.  I didn't (or couldn't?) understand why things weren't getting better (or easier).  So there is guilt that I didn't do enough or care enough?

Finally, my dad's death changed everything.  When my mom died there was still my dad to take care of.  Things at the shore were not all that different after her death (other than the obvious).  Now the house is no longer "theirs."  I have a hard time thinking of it as "mine."  I've cleaned out a lot of stuff, but there is still much left that I'm not sure what to do with.  I love it at the shore house and the illness and stress are gone, but the guilt still lingers for me.

Do I feel guilty?  Right now, no.  During my waking hours I'm usually too busy or crazed to feel guilty. Clearly my brain has other thoughts in the dark of night.  However, I'm hopeful that with time my brain will let go of the guilt and I won't be waking up scared, angry or sad in the middle of the night.  Here's hoping that going forward the only reason my eyes snap open in the dark is because I have to go pee.