Screaming Inside of My Head

So I started a silence experiment yesterday (  All during my work day, I made an effort to notice the noise around me and be more conscious of my words.  As I left, a co-worker caught up to me at the elevator and said she didn't even know I was in that day.  (She sits two cubicles down from me.)  

I was going to try to keep silent once I got home, but I gave in when my son asked me if I was still not speaking.  I followed the caveat that he spoke first and answered.  But I only spoke when spoken to.  There was no "nagging" or asking of questions.    And believe me, I WANTED to ask questions.

Which is where the screaming inside of my head comes from.  My mouth is shut, but the voice in my head is going into overdrive.  If you've seen "Inside Out," Anger was running amok with Disgust egging him on...Joy and Sadness were nowhere to be found and Fear was hiding somewhere.  (If you haven't seen "Inside Out;"  you NEED to see it!  "My" Anger screams:  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!?  WHY HAVEN'T YOU SEEN IT?  THE MOVIE IS FIVE YEARS OLD ALREADY!  WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!?!!)

My son was in his room.  He was doing whatever on his phone.  (I guess that makes him a typical teen...his hand is glued to the thing.)  I remain silent and don't do my typical poke my head in and ask questions about what he should/could be doing.  However,in my head I (and staying with the "Inside Out" motif, it's really Anger that is in overdrive)  am saying:  GET OFF THE DARNED PHONE!  YOU HAVE A SCIENCE QUIZ THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! YOU SHOULD BE SPENDING SOME TIME REVIEWING SINCE YOU'RE GOING TO GET HOME LATE TOMORROW AND I KNOW YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO STUDY.  USE YOUR TIME WISELY!  USE YOUR TIME WISELY!  DID YOU TURN IN THE FORM FOR THE FIELD TRIP ON FRIDAY LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO?  HOW DID YOUR DAY GO?  WHAT DID YOU DO IN REHEARSAL TODAY?  DID YOU CHECK YOUR CALENDAR LIKE YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD?  DID YOU DO ALL YOUR HOMEWORK?  PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY FOCUSING AND PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT IS GOING ON.

Anger is screaming all of this in my brain.  But I kept my mouth shut.  It's killing me.

It'd had been a long day.  Keeping your thoughts to yourself and not just blurting things out can be exhausting.

All I wanted to do was just go to sleep.  I was really tired and drifting off (with the tv playing softly in the background).  Then my husband decides he wants to crawl into bed too.  My husband who is NOT sick (or at least not any more), but still has this cough.  Only it's not a cough.  It's a bed shaking HRUM, HRUM. (Post nasal drip,so he says).   I am trying (unsuccessfully) to lie there and keep Anger at bay.  I  count in between the "coughs".  Fifteen seconds go by before the next rattle.  Then I am lucky an over 30 seconds go by.  Not so lucky and it's only 10 seconds.  It's not a productive cough...nor are the "throat clearing" noises that he makes in between the coughing.  (It doesn't sound like it, but I'm immediately drawn back to those noises that Tony Randall would make on "The Odd Couple." If you don't know what I'm talking about view: That might actually be less annoying!  Perhaps a better example could be found:  I'd say I need ear plugs, but as I said, it is a bed shaking thing  (I wish I was kidding; I am not.)  I wanted to scream:  STOP IT!  YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR A WEEK.  TAKE SOMETHING.  PROP YOURSELF UP.  I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT A STIFF NECK, BUT I WANT SOME SLEEP !  I NEED SLEEP AND I HAVEN'T BECAUSE OF YOUR INCESSANT   EVEN THOUGH YOU SAY YOU DON'T GET MUCH YOU ARE BECAUSE I'M AWAKE WHEN YOU ARE ASLEEP SNORING IN MY EAR! AND DO YOU THINK YOU COULD TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS ON YOUR E-READER SO THAT IT ISN'T GLARING IN MY FACE?   PLEASE!!!  I JUST WANT TO GET SOME SLEEP!

But I didn't.  

I wish we had another bedroom.  I could try to sleep on the couch, but...Honestly our bed is pretty comfortable and we have nice warm, cuddly fleece sheets.  (Fleece is MUCH better than flannel in my book.)  Instead I laid there...Anger screaming in my head, but no words coming from my lips. Although I did flop around a lot trying to find a place that was "quieter."  It didn't work.  Even when my husband fell was like being in bed with Darth Vader. All I needed was "No, I am your father." (And yes, that IS the correct quote...NOT "Luke, I am your father.")

So, here I am on day 2 of this "experiment."  I'm running on about 4-1/2 hours of sleep. (I woke up to the HRUM, HRUM around 3:15 and while I tried for an hour to get back to sleep; it didn't happen.)  I'm still trying to listen and NOT speak or only respond and not blurt things out.  (God, I want to blurt things out.)  I HAVE caught myself muttering under my breath twice thus far today.  (And it's still relatively early in the day as I write this.)  I am aware that my responses tend to be a bit terse.  I need to work on that.  (A nap would help with that issue.)

And thus the experiment goes on...


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