Illusion of Control

In a week, I have to head into NYC for a training session.  I don't want to go.  I don't dislike the city, but GOING to the city stresses me out and makes me uncomfortable.  I am ill at ease.  A friend once said that I was afraid of the city.  That's not true.  I'm not afraid, but I AM tense. I will be stressed and all because I will have no control.

Now truth be told, I have very little control of anything in my life.  But what I DO have is the illusion of control.  I am well aware that I am fooling myself (or maybe I am only pseudo- aware), but I think that on a daily basis I have most things under control.  Like most people I have a routine and I am comfortable with it.  While there are plenty of stressors in my life, the fact that for the most part I can count on a daily regularity keeps me on a relatively even keel.

I like knowing where I am going on the weekdays.  While I may not like the traffic on Route 3, for the most part I know that if I leave my home around 7:30 that I will pull into my office parking lot around 8.  I like knowing that I have alternatives if route 3 gets too crazy.  I know all the exits and back roads; even if they will take more time.  I like being in an office.  I like my cubicle with the window that looks out to the east so that I can see NYC and the NJ turnpike.  I like knowing that if something happens, I can quickly get out of the office and head home.

When I have to go somewhere different I get stressed.  It's out of my normal routine.  I lose my sense of control.  Which is why when I have to go somewhere new, I always give myself lots of extra time.  Yes, I'm that person who does a trial run before an interview.  Or if I couldn't do that, I'd give myself so much extra time that I'd end up sitting in the parking lot for 20 minutes.  I don't like being at the mercy of the unknown.  I like exactness.  While like everyone else, I have to deal with the unknown from time to time, I'm the person who likes to have a plan AND a back- up plan.  I may not be in control, but I have that illusion of control.

Which explains why I don't like having to go to the city.  I have no sense of control.  I take a bus in.  I have to wait for the bus.  While I have an idea of what time the bus will arrive at my stop; it's never exact.  I never know how long the trip will take.  There is of course a schedule, but the drive seems to never adhere to it. (Not the fault of the bus or the driver...there are so many variables.)  I am ill at ease because the timing is so uncertain.  Once I arrive in the city, I have to find the subway that will take me to my destination.  While that is easy enough to do, it's not "regular" or every day for me.  I have to purchase a metro card...and it seems every time I do that I have some sort of trouble.  (Maybe it's just the world sensing my discomfort.) Whether it be getting a card out of the machine or getting through the turnstile; something that should be simple, it never is for me.

While I know what station to get off at; I am still nervous and tense.  There is no logical reason for this.  It's not like new subway stops are suddenly going to pop up or that mine is suddenly going to disappear.  (Does anyone else have dreams like that?)  When I finally arrive, I also feel disoriented when I get out onto the street.  I never seem to know what direction I need to go in.  Which is odd, because in general I have a very good sense of direction, but in the city I can't tell my left from my right...

It's all so disorienting.  Maybe it wouldn't be if it were something that I did on a regular basis. (But let's face it I would NEVER do it on a regular basis BECAUSE I'm not comfortable with it.  And also because it's so darned expensive!  Those of you who commute into NYC every day from out of state must be making a boatload of money.  Or at least a boatload when it compares to the salary that I'm seeing.)

So what am I to do?  Well I HAVE to suck it up.  This is what I have to do and that's that.  I have to admit that I have no control over the situation and do my best to let go.  I have to TRY to take the "what will be will be" attitude.  And when I forget that (and I WILL forget), I will try to focus on things that I CAN control.  Like my breathing.  Slow in and out.  It could help.  It also could help to remember that I am surrounded by other people who do the same thing day after day and also face challenges similar to mine.  I can try to find a space in my head where I am not stressed, but where I am happy.

Most of all, I need to remember, that control or not, I WILL get through this.  Plus, as Scarlett O'Hara once said, "tomorrow is another day." A day where I will once again have the illusion of control.