Illusion of Control
In a week, I have to head into NYC for a training
session. I don't want to go. I don't dislike the city, but GOING to
the city stresses me out and makes me uncomfortable. I am ill at
ease. A friend once said that I was afraid of the city. That's not
true. I'm not afraid, but I AM tense. I will be stressed and all because
I will have no control.
Now truth be told, I have very
little control of anything in my life. But what I DO have is the illusion
of control. I am well aware that I am fooling myself (or maybe I am only
pseudo- aware), but I think that on a daily basis I have most things under
control. Like most people I have a routine and I am comfortable with
it. While there are plenty of stressors in my life, the fact that for the
most part I can count on a daily regularity keeps me on a relatively even keel.
I like knowing where I am going
on the weekdays. While I may not like the traffic on Route 3, for the
most part I know that if I leave my home around 7:30 that I will pull into my
office parking lot around 8. I like knowing that I have alternatives if
route 3 gets too crazy. I know all the exits and back roads; even if they
will take more time. I like being in an office. I like my cubicle
with the window that looks out to the east so that I can see NYC and the NJ
turnpike. I like knowing that if something happens, I can quickly get out
of the office and head home.
When I have to go somewhere
different I get stressed. It's out of my normal routine. I lose my
sense of control. Which is why when I have to go somewhere new, I always
give myself lots of extra time. Yes, I'm that person who does a trial run
before an interview. Or if I couldn't do that, I'd give myself so much
extra time that I'd end up sitting in the parking lot for 20 minutes. I
don't like being at the mercy of the unknown. I like exactness.
While like everyone else, I have to deal with the unknown from time to time,
I'm the person who likes to have a plan AND a back- up plan. I may not be
in control, but I have that illusion of control.
Which explains why I don't like
having to go to the city. I have no sense of control. I take a bus
in. I have to wait for the bus. While I have an idea of what time
the bus will arrive at my stop; it's never exact. I never know how long
the trip will take. There is of course a schedule, but the drive seems to
never adhere to it. (Not the fault of the bus or the driver...there are so many
variables.) I am ill at ease because the timing is so uncertain. Once
I arrive in the city, I have to find the subway that will take me to my
destination. While that is easy enough to do, it's not
"regular" or every day for me. I have to purchase a metro
card...and it seems every time I do that I have some sort of trouble.
(Maybe it's just the world sensing my discomfort.) Whether it be getting a card
out of the machine or getting through the turnstile; something that should be
simple, it never is for me.
While I know what station to
get off at; I am still nervous and tense. There is no logical reason for
this. It's not like new subway stops are suddenly going to pop up or that
mine is suddenly going to disappear. (Does anyone else have dreams like
that?) When I finally arrive, I also feel disoriented when I get out onto
the street. I never seem to know what direction I need to go in.
Which is odd, because in general I have a very good sense of direction, but in
the city I can't tell my left from my right...
It's all so disorienting.
Maybe it wouldn't be if it were something that I did on a regular basis. (But
let's face it I would NEVER do it on a regular basis BECAUSE I'm not
comfortable with it. And also because it's so darned expensive!
Those of you who commute into NYC every day from out of state must be making a
boatload of money. Or at least a boatload when it compares to the salary
that I'm seeing.)
So what am I to do? Well
I HAVE to suck it up. This is what I have to do and that's that. I
have to admit that I have no control over the situation and do my best to let
go. I have to TRY to take the "what will be will be"
attitude. And when I forget that (and I WILL forget), I will try to focus
on things that I CAN control. Like my breathing. Slow in and
out. It could help. It also could help to remember that I am
surrounded by other people who do the same thing day after day and also face
challenges similar to mine. I can try to find a space in my head where I
am not stressed, but where I am happy.
Most of all, I need to
remember, that control or not, I WILL get through this. Plus, as Scarlett O'Hara once said, "tomorrow is another day." A day where I will once again have the illusion of control.
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