SOMWaD: Mixed Messages

I'm a bad mom.  It's true.  At least that's the way I feel right now.  If I look at things/the situation in an objective light (or at least as objective as this completely irrational, emotional woman can be), I am NOT a bad mom, I'm just human.  As a result of being human I've sent my son mixed messages.  My husband pointed this out; and he's right.  (It isn't easy to say he's right and admit my failings, but there you have it.)

Here's the story:  being the slightly obsessive mom that I am (I'm working on it, I swear!), I checked out the portal to hell last night. (For your reference:  http://bfthsboringblog.blogspot.com/2015/10/somwad-portal-to-hell.html).  The marking period ends this week and my son has borderline grades in a couple of subjects.  AND he has quizzes in a couple of subjects this week.  So how he does can either push him up a bit or drag him down.

What stood out was a drop in math (the bane of his existence; ok, the bane of the WHOLE FAMILY'S existence).  Looking closer I saw that he didn't do too well on the last test.  (That's putting it mildly.)  This served as a warning signal to me; we DIDN"T have his tutor come before the test (due to a variety of reasons) and tells me that he really DOES need her extra help.  I wanted to (gently) bring it up with him and point out that despite this test, his overall grade was still good (and better than last marking period which is one of the reasons why we got a tutor).  

What followed was a complete melt down.  To say he was distraught would be putting it mildly.  Devastated would be a better word.  He thought he had done well.  (But then again his standard reply to the question of how he did on ANY quiz or test is:  "I think I did well.")  We know he doesn't test well and we also know that he tends to make sloppy mistakes which cost him dearly.  After many tears (and tissues), we managed to calm him down.  And I reminded him that he was not a number or a grade.  He is a person and I love him.  I will love him no more if get an A.  I will love him no less if he gets an F.  He is a good kid/boy/tween.  I am proud of who he IS as opposed to what grade he gets.

With that said, this morning I reminded him that he'll need to do some studying tonight for tomorrow's social study quiz.  It's one of his favorite subjects and he's doing well, but as I pointed out to him, he's on the fence when it comes to this marking period's final grade.  I want him to do well on this test; I want him to keep the higher grade and not slip.

Afterwards, my husband so deftly pointed out that I am sending a mixed message.  Just last night I was telling him how he was more than just a letter and today I'm pushing him to make a certain grade.  He's right.

It's a fine line to walk as a parent.  I DO want my son to do well.  I KNOW what he is capable of.  I WANT him to get good grades.  With that said I also DO want my son to learn and not worry about grades.  I WANT him to enjoy his school years, absorbing what he can without the threat of test scores hanging over his head.  I KNOW he is learning more than what can be graded.  I KNOW he is becoming a well-rounded young man (who is just starting to get into that slightly obnoxiously "tween" phase...but that will be another blog post.)  I do teeter as I walk that line.  And being human, I sometimes stumble.  Just as my son sometimes stumbles with tests and quizzes.

It's my job as an adult to try and do a better job communicating and NOT send mixed messages.  To remind him that I want him to do his best.  If he best is grade "x" and not grade "y' so be it.  He needs to know that and I need to know it too.


Will I stumble and send mixed messages again?  I probably will...I'm human.  But just like I have told my son, I've got to try to do my best.  And when I don't, I'll just have to try again. Because that's what life and being a mom is all about.

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