Parent Pressure

 


You may talk about peer pressure with your child, but what about parent pressure?  We see it in movies and on tv; the couple who are trying to get their yet to be born child into an exclusive pre-school.  Or on the news (pre-Covid) where parents (some of whom are celebrities) paid to get their children into top tier colleges.  Crazy!

I've tried to avoid this (even as I put pressure on my son to do his best and most likely overdoing it).  I know that my son is talented.  I know that my son is smart. I know that my son is handsome.  I know that my family is (somewhat) privileged.  HOWEVER...my son is NOT the smartest, the most talented or the most handsome and while I recognize our privilege in society as a whole (white suburban neighborhood family), we are hardly PRIVILEGED. 

We, as a family, try to be "average."  I think my son is a relatively typical teen, while being uniquely unique.  (Yes I purposely wrote it that way.)  He participates in a few activities, but not sports. (Not interested).  He is a relatively good student, but a horrible standardized test taker.  (I refused to spend money to try and raise his SAT scores when I knew they would never be "good enough."  If schools are not requiring them, why put him through that stress?)  We have looked at schools for next year.  He has started his common app.  We are being "normal."

But then yesterday I was at a school event and all the talk was about the seniors.   This one has applied (already!) to 5 schools and is looking at 13 potentials.  That one is aiming for Ivy League.  The other has had multiple portfolio reviews.  (Note:  my son is probably going to major in some form of art.  Right now he's thinking arts administration/management, but that could very easily change.  How do you know what you want to do when you are 17?  He may end up in Fine Art, Art History, plain "old" History, or something out of left field.  Who knows?  How DO you know until you actually get in there and try it?)

Then there were the social media posts about having issues with getting teacher recommendation letters processed and essays not going through when the common app was submitted.  

Let's not even talk about the dreaded FAFSA.  I refuse to look at that and am leaving that (with prayers) up to my husband and son.

All of this makes me feel like an inadequate parent.  Why didn't I do this for my child?  Should I have pushed for that?  Are we too late?  What do I do?  Who do I call?  Why didn't I know?  UGH!

Now I KNOW I am a good parent.  I KNOW that this will all work itself out for the best.  My son will apply to a handful of colleges; not ones with name recognition but ones that fit him and one or more will accept him.  One or more may reject him.  We will figure it all out.  It will be fine.  I KNOW this.

But all of this crazy sends me into a tizzy. While I am not a bad parent, I PERCEIVE myself as such based on all that I am seeing and hearing.  And I'm pretty sure I am not alone in that realm.  Even for those who are light years ahead of my family in the process I am sure are feeling inadequate.  There are so many (flaming) hoops to jump through.  Furthermore, just because you jump through one, doesn't mean you are through.  You may have to go back and jump again and if even if you've gone through this with a child before, you are by no means an expert and the rules and regulations seem to change constantly.

As parents we put too much pressure on our kids.  We put too much pressure on ourselves.  We let this crazy system define us and drive us out of our minds.  I don't know of a way to stop it.  I can say take a deep breath and know that we will get through this and that we are NOT failures our child's GPA is not where we want it to be or applications get in late or rejected.  It's easy to say, but not to do.  This cycle of getting ahead is relentless and it should not define us.  (Even though we allow it.)

As Dory says "just keep swimming."  We can move forward and maybe even keep our sanity if we focus on ourselves and our families and ignore the rest.  We will never be "the best" as deigned by "the world" or social media.  But we can be the best us.


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