October Morning...

It is a sunny warm morning in October. It was cold outside in the early hours but now the sun is shining bright on my patio and it feels like summer. I have swapped out my sweater for a sleeveless top. It feels like summer.

So I am just sitting here taking a break from work. Taking I guess what could be considered my lunch break. All I can think is that it's a beautiful summer day. I wish it was the 4th of July. I wish it was the 4th of July 2022 all over again. Mom, I miss you so much and I wish it was the 4th of July.

I don't intend to be cruel or mean or dismissive but I feel like July 4th 2022 was the last really good day that I had. That's not to dismiss the wonderful vacation my family took back in August. That's not a dismiss all of the good things that I've experienced since July 4th to now. It's just a July 4th 2022 was almost the last really GOOD happy day. 

It was the day that I drove down to see my mother in the hospital. She was so happy to see me because it was the 4th of July and who expected visitors on that day when the beach would be so crazy. My intention was to just drive down early spend a few hours with her and go home. And that's exactly what I did.

It wasn't a great day for her. She was in the hospital. She was in pain. She was uncomfortable. But it was the last day that we were really happy together. It's the last day that I can remember where we left and talked clearly together. And I miss that. I miss that more than I can say on this sunny October day while I'm sitting on my back patio n

It makes no sense I know. I've sat out here before. It's been sunny before. All of those things and yet for some reason which I don't know or understand I am sitting here and all I can think of is I wish the 4th of July 2022. I wish. I wish. I wish.

It's been over 3 months, so I should be well on my road to recovery from grief? I guess there's no straight road when it comes to grief. Circuitous, you never know when it's going to lead you right back to where you felt in the beginning.

Or maybe it's just finally my time to let it out. Because I never really did when my mother died. I held it together and I did everything I had to do. I didn't cry at her memorial service. I didn't cry at her funeral. I just kept going.

Sure I've had my little breakdowns between that and now. But there was usually a reason for them. Or at least something that I could understand a reminder that would make me think of my mom and make me sad. But just sitting out here in the Sun on a weekday and suddenly being a wash with sadness I can't quite understand. But then I guess you never do

While I was sitting here outside in the sun my husband came out to talk to me for a minute. He paused and said, "look."  A giant hawk swooped down in the north side of the house and landed on the roof of our garage. The hawk sat there and then moved up to the weathervane where it sat and sat.

She sat there majestically while I took pictures from the patio. She sat their majestically while my husband took pictures from the stairs. My husband back inside. I walked slowly down to the garage and took pictures of this magnificent creature. She just sat there perched on top of the weathervane. Looking around. Surveying her domain. Just being a part of the day. Looking over the yard. Looking over the yard as if it was her own. And perhaps it is.

I don't know the hawk is a she, but...

Is this a sign? I wonder. I think perhaps so.  I sat there hawk for a good 10-15 minutes. The Hawk sat there, looking at me.  She raised her tail and pooped and then flew away.  And for some reason, I felt better.