My Brain is Making Me Tired

 It's been a rough week, and surprisingly it has nothing to do with work.  (Which is usually exhausting.)  I'm tired because I haven't been sleeping well and I have no reason for it other than my brain is working overtime.

There's no logical reason for my poor sleeping habits.  It is typical for me to go to bed early and get up early.  However over this past week, I've been waking up 2 or  3 times during the night.  (Should I really have to pee that often?)  And then I wake up a good 45 minutes (or even more) before my alarm is set to go off.  (My alarm goes off at 4:35; it sucks but if I want to get in some sort of exercise before going to work, it's what I need to do.  Exercise after work?  There's too many things that could distract and/or interrupt me.  Plus I know by the end of the day I'm going to be worn out and find an excuse for NOT doing it.)  I sometimes lie there wondering if it's worth trying to fall back asleep.  Most of the time I give up and get up.  I can always find something to do.

Last night I SHOULD have slept well.  I had taken an allergy pill during the day that knocked me out.  (I could barely keep my eyes open in the office!  Not good.)  Shortly before I turned in, I took another dose (albeit smaller).  Usually that completely knocks me out.  (I anticipated waking up to my alarm for once.)  Last night I was up twice.  And then about an hour before the alarm I woke up from a terrifying nightmare.  As with many dreams, it didn't make much sense.  It was early morning and I was partially dressed on our patio, I was either getting ready for work or a walk (or both?) when I was attacked by a stranger.  I tried to yell out but couldn't.  (This is a recurring theme in my nightmares; once I woke my husband up because I was making these guttural sounds in my sleep.)  Somehow, I DID manage at one point to yell out help, but no one came to my aid, even though neighbors saw me.  Somehow (again this is a dream so nothing much makes sense) I got my cell phone and called 911, while getting this guy pinned down.  (How did that happen?)  The police and rescue squad appeared instantaneously.  They took the guy away and a woman that I know who is on the rescue squad  in real life told me that this guy had done this before. Then my neighbor (who had been around but had not helped me) yelled out that she had seen everything but was taking care of her mother and was sorry she couldn't help me.  Finally, my son came out of the house and I realized that he and my husband had been sleeping but couldn't hear me because their window air conditioning units were turned on.  I told my son that I needed a specific pair of socks and that I needed to get dressed quickly so that I could get to work.  I realized that I wasn't dressed at all...and woke up!

What the heck was that all about?  I couldn't go back to sleep after that. I was so shaken that I decided an early morning walk was NOT in the cards.  And instead of going downstairs to do Leslie Sansone's walk program, I put on the most recent episode of Palm Royale  (Great cast and great sets/costumes, but the storyline is not so hot and the main character is annoying and weak!)  But even that didn't shake the nightmare from me.

What is my brain trying to tell me?  Well, there was an act of vandalism in my town just last week, which is weighing on me.  (Arson at a local church; not one that I attend.)  I had just finished a book by Susan Wiggs  that (spoiler alert) had a similar act of violence to what I had dreamed (actually it was much worse in the book).  I've been trying to use my patio and get outside to walk again  (hoping for more warm sunny weather). Finally, I've been re-watching Lost, and the themes echoed in the series have really hit home with me.  (The final minutes of the very last episode had me weeping.)  Perhaps I'm more lost than I realized.

Over the past several years I've experienced a great deal of loss.  With the death of each of my parents I have plowed through.  I have kept going because that’s  what I expected of me.  Things needed to be done and I did them.  I continue to do them.  (Because death may be the end of life, but it is also the beginning of a lot of work that the survivors have to tackle...boy this is sounding more like Lost than I thought!)  I forget that grief has no timeline.  I keep waiting for that overwhelming wave to crash over me and that hasn't really happened.  (Although there have been a lot of little waves that keep knocking me down...the Computershare "wave" still isn't completely resolved yet.)  Maybe it never will.  Most likely it will hit during the most unexpected (and inappropriate) of times. Because that's the way life is.

In the meantime, I'm looking for ways to "refocus" my brain. (Hey, wasn't that the name of a Monkees' album?  See how my brain works?)  In addition to Wordle, I've been giving Connections, Mini and daily crossword from the NY Times a go.  (When it comes to the crossword, I'm trying to just flex my brain muscles...it's not about solving the whole darned thing because I haven't gotten the hang of that yet and I may never.  It's all about the process.  Or at least that's what I tell myself.)  I need to come up with some ways to "retrain" myself when it comes to anxiety (which is probably why I have sleeping issues mostly on the days where I have to physically be in the office) and worry.  (I'm open to suggestions here.)  There is no destination here (which is hard for me to accept); it's all about enjoying (as best as I can) the road that I am traveling.