Where Do I Go?

 


The above titled song from "Hair" has been playing around in my head today.  Lyrics reflect what I am feeling.   "Where do I go? Follow my heartbeat. Where do I go? Follow my hand...Tell me where.  Tell me why.  Tell me why."

So where am I?  Right now I am working from home.  I SHOULD be in the office, but I tried that yesterday and it didn't work out too well for me.  I had several calls from hospice.  The case manager wanted to check in on my dad.  (Fine with me, but they needed to call his caregiver so that she knew.)  A different nurse was going to come out.  Then they both called me afterwards.  The case manager called first, saying that the care giver was going to need more help; who did I know/have who could assist? Well, I thought hospice would assist, and they do, but I didn't have someone every day to help her and I DIDN'T have a back up plan.  The case manager said she would try to get an aid for us and then would also get me a list of agencies that might help.  I was upset with this, but the case manager was compassionate.

Then the nurse called and while I'm sure her intent was not to upset me...well let's just say that I was in an office "phone booth," (a small enclosed space that is larger than your traditional phone booth, but where you can have privacy for calls) in tears and panicking.  Where and how was I going to get immediate help?  I had scheduled a family vacation away from everything, did I need to cancel? Could I send the boys on their own?  I was feeling judged (for planning on going away), hurt (as if I didn't have good enough care for my dad) and overwhelmed.

Thankfully, after I pulled myself together because I had a work related conference call, I was able to call my dad's caregiver.  She initially said she could get some friends to help her.  (All she said she needed was maybe an hour a day.)  Then she found out that they WOULD send her an aid 5 days a week and she felt with a friend's help (or even without) she could handle.  She has been living with my dad for a year and a half.  She KNOWS my dad.  She KNOWS her limitations and abilities.  When she needs something, she is strong enough to ask for whatever that might be.  And while the nurse might have meant well, I really hope we get a different hospice nurse going forward.  (I did try to nicely mention this in an email to the case manager.  The nurse who came over the weekend was WONDERFUL and I hope she can be assigned to my dad regularly because she was able to handle A LOT in the time she was at the house.)

In anticipation of today's calls (because there will be calls), I am at home where I have plenty of tissues and space to talk and cry as needed.  I also have a husband who is here to support me.  And I VERY much need that.

The question still looms...where do I go?  I am packed and ready to go away on a family vacation.  Is that desserting my dad?  Maybe.  Is it spending precious time with my son and husband?  Yes.  This could be our last family vacation.  (Who knows what my son will end up doing in college and with his breaks.)  It IS important that we get to spend time together and BE with each other.   Is this being selfish or is this self care?  And will I be able to relax and push my father's health to the back of my brain?

When we come home, where do I go?  I expect that I will unpack, do laundry and repack and head to the shore (solo) the next day.  I expect that I will spend a week or so away from my family and with my dad. While I love being at the Jersey Shore for 4th of July, this is NOT how I'd like to do it.   This isn't a summer getaway; this is being present.  (And working remotely as I can.)

No matter where I go or what I do, sacrifices have been made (and are being made).  There is no right answer.  I can't do the right thing because what is right for one party, means another gets slighted.

So where do I go?  I don't know.  But whereever I DO go, I need to do so with love and a focus on the now, appreciating whatever precious moments life has to offer.


Comments

  1. momJune 28, 2023 at 5:56 PM

    You deserve the time with your family. Everything that can be done for your Dad is being done, and you have handled it all. You're a wonderful daughter, wife and mother and I'm so proud to be your mother-in-law.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

We Have Taken America Back

Image
Back to a time when all men (and women) are not created equal.  Where women's healthcare is determined by men's laws and not by medical professionals. Where education tells only the "winning" side of the story and truth does not matter.  Where banning and burning books is a social event.  Where people who are "different" than those in power can be mocked, shunned and hurt with no real consequences. Where lies are acceptable and integrity is  just a word on a page We have moved into a time where rage is the rage.  Where hate is not just normal, but accepted and even cheered. Where leaders can ask to have their "enemies" killed and no one will bat an eye.  Where it's "funny" to see someone struggle.  Where felony is applauded. Where compassion is not shown and caring for others is looked down upon. We have taken America back to a time of pain and suffering for many.  Back to when the "haves" can have and the have nots don'...
Read more

It's Not About Starbucks (or is it)?

Image
  About a block and a half from my home in a major intersection.  At the southeast corner (which is nearest to me), is an empty building.  Back in 1995 it was a Bank of NY (I remember this because they didn't shovel/de-ice their parking lot well and my husband fell and broke his ankle one Monday morning.  I recall this clearly because we were not yet married and it was the first day of a new job for me.  I had gotten on the bus to work and he was catching a later one; only he never got there.  Instead he ended up laying on the ground until an employee came to open up the bank.  Then he had them call an ambulance AND my mother who took control of the situation until I arrived home that night blissfully unaware of what had happened that day.)  It eventually became a Chase Bank; the second one in my small little town.  It eventually closed.  I'm not sure when but it's been empty for quite a long time.  (I do know that it was open in 20...
Read more

As Is

Image
  Today I want to discuss what I think it is a relatively simple concept, but may be difficult for some, even an attorney who might have once, over a decade ago won a  prestigious award  for young lawyers .  That term is "AS IS." As you may know, I volunteer in a thrift shop.  Everything we sell, from all the donations we receive, is "as is."  The items are not brand new.  They are not perfect.  That doesn't mean they aren't any good or worth something. They are sold "as is."  Buyers should go in knowing that. (After all you are shopping in a thrift shop!)  In some cases, particularly when we are offering higher end products, we will actually write on the price tag, "as is." Such is the case of two designer purses that I purchased from there this summer.  (I'm a purse-aholic!  Don't look in my closet.)  They were reasonably priced (especially when you consider the name brand), but each had an "as is" clearly marked o...
Read more