3 Years: July 1st

 

Another year has come and gone.  Today marks the 3rd "anniversary" of my father's death.  

While 3 years may have passed I'm still feeling guilty about not being there.  On the other hand, if I had cancelled our vacation to Skytop where we celebrated our son's high school graduation, I would have felt guilty about that as well.  There was/is no way to win.  I'm grateful we had time to celebrate as a family and in some ways I'm grateful that I missed the call late Saturday night that let me know my father had died.  (My phone goes on do not disturb after a certain hour.  Some calls can get through, but the call came from an unknown number so...)

I tried to be a good daughter. But sometimes I worry that I wasn't. I tried to come down and visit but did I come off and enough? Was once a week enough?  I tried to help out, but did I try hard enough? Should I have asked more questions?  Pushed harder?  Did I do enough? I did my best, or at least that's what I tell myself, but is that good enough? What is good enough? I still think about it. And I still wonder what I could have done better. I still wonder what I could have done.  While I couldn't have changed the outcome, could I have made your last days, weeks, months somehow better?

I try to be a good parent to your grandson. I'm trying to do what you and Mom would have me do. I probably do too much, I'm still the hovering mom. But I also worry that I do too little. It's such a fine line and I never know on which side of the line I stand. 

For example, his license was set to expire on his birthday. I knew he would need a real ID which requires an appointment at the MVC. Trying to schedule one was not easy, but I found one at Springfield. Because I knew it would be difficult to find and because his car, AKA Mom's car, has no GPS I drove him. The procedure was actually relatively easy and smooth. Of course, I worried about him getting the real ID in the mail because you know how uncertain that can be. But he did get it, however it is still the vertical style ID as opposed to the horizontal, because for the next 34 days he will still be underage. Which is frustrating because he wanted an adult real ID which this is, but it also isn't. And the only way to get a real ID that is " adult " would be to get on his actual birthday. But his license expires on his birthday, and they mail you the license which takes about 10 to 20 days so how does that all work out? These are the crazy questions that keep me up at night sometimes and drive me crazy. And I wish I had you to talk to and b**** about this. I know you would understand. I know you would feel my frustration. I know you would be frustrated. But since I can't do that, all I can do is write about it here. 

Your grandson will probably go the cemetery today. I will not. Does that make me a bad person? Doesn't make me a bad daughter? Does it make me not caring person? Again, these are things that I think about the middle of the night when I can't sleep.

I suppose we all have these thoughts.  (Do we all have these thoughts?)  I suppose we all worry.  (I KNOW I worry enough for dozens or maybe hundreds of people.)  It's probably not good to dwell on the end but remember the good.  And there was plenty of good. There was sailing.  There was crabbing.  There was mini golf.  There were fresh tomatoes.  So many good memories that I need to focus on and NOT dreg up the end.

Dad, I hope you know how much I valued the good times we had.  How "Foster's Famous Crab Stick" has a place of honor in my home in the Poconos.  How I have a special "space" that is just dedicated to you and mom and the thing you loved the most: the NJ shore.

Another year... I will keep moving forward (as we all must) even as I hold my memories of you close in my heart.

Love you.