Dear Bishop Budde,

 


I am not brave.  I want to be brave, but I am not.

I have read Receiving Jesus: The Way of Love first because I couldn't find a copy of How We Learn to Be Brave: Decisive Moments in Life and Faith.  (I did eventually get a copy and read it.)  I read both books slowly and contemplatively.  They are not one and done books.  I go back and review parts of them when I feel them calling me.

But I am not brave.  I have been inspired by what you have written, but I am still not brave. My desire to be brave is held back by my nervousness, anxiety, and general fear of the unknown. I don't know if I'll ever be able to conquer that. 

On Sunday July 12th you will be speaking at All Saints Episcopal Church in Bay Head, NJ. That is a church that my father attended pre-COVID during the winter months when his "summer" church (St. Simons by the Sea) was closed for the season. I've never attended a service there.

I would like to hear you preach/speak.  I would like the opportunity to tell you in person how inspirational you have been to me. How much I admire you. Of course I'd also love it if I could get you to sign one of the copies of your book for me. And this being the age of social media, no meat would be complete without a selfie. 

It seems to be an easy enough thing to do. Just get up in the morning and drive down to Bay Head and attend the church service. But it isn't that easy. 

I have plenty of excuses. I no longer have a house at the Jersey shore. I spend most of my time in the Poconos. (A place you should definitely come visit! I’m sure the Diocese of the Susquehanna would welcome you.) The drive from the Poconos to Bay Head would be about 2 hours and 40 minutes, since I would leave early in the morning. I would then drive back to our house in northern New Jersey that afternoon which should “only” take 90 minutes, but dealing with summer traffic is always a nightmare which leads me to believe the afternoon drive would be at least two hours. From the Poconos to Bay Head and then to Northern New Jersey is a lot of driving!  It shouldn't hold me back and yet it does 

  I have the excuse of spending 8 + hours driving on Thursday to celebrate hundredth birthday of my “Aunt" Julie.  (She's someone you should definitely meet. She is incredibly brave. I know the two of you would get along as you both have so much in common. You are both women in the ministry, which does require you to be incredibly brave. You both share a faith that is not just constrained to a denomination. You both want to make this world a better place for all its people. Meeting the Reverend Dr Julia Dawson I'm sure would also be as inspiring for you as it would be for her.). So it seems as though I have driven enough for one week, especially since the day after her birthday I drove back to the Poconos in the early morning hours and on Monday evening I will drive back to New Jersey so that I can work for 2 days in Newark, New Jersey.  It would be exhausting.  It would be costly.  Those excuses really are lame. 

The real thing that is holding me back is my fear of returning to the Jersey shore. With both of my parents dead, I could no longer afford to keep their house. That was a difficult decision for me to make even though it was the right one. Coming back to that area would be incredibly painful. I don't want to face the past or the memories. I definitely don't want to go by with the house once was and no longer is.  That would hurt way too much. And visiting locations associated with my parents, such as All Saints or St Simons By The Sea, is something that I just don't think I am brave enough or strong enough to do. 

So I am letting my fear and my pain, hold me back from meeting you. Which saddens me. It's frustrates me. But I just don't think I can do it. As much as I want to. 

I hope that someday I will have the opportunity to hear you preach and/or speak. Hopefully in a location that is a little closer to either my home in the Poconos or my " work home'. In New Jersey. I can recommend some great churches that I'm sure would welcome your presence. 

I do not know if you will ever see, read or even know about this note. But if by chance you do, no that you are writings have been a comfort to me and that all the way I'm not brave now and they never be. I will never stop trying. 

With love and admiration, 

Bfth

P.S.  I’m not even an Episcopalian!  I’m still officially Presbyterian.  I started attending two churches on Sunday during COVID and with early morning Episcopal services and 10:15 Presbyterian services, I continued the tradition.  Since moving to the Poconos, I’ve been a faithful “non-member” of a local Episcopal Church that upholds the truths and beliefs that I do.  Although I do not think it matters what domination you are.  Following the teachings of Christ is what is SHOULD be all about.


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