Sowing the Seeds of Self Doubt

 Everyone makes mistakes.  There's a wonderful song that confirms this sung by Big Bird with the refrain: "Cause everyone makes mistakes, 0h, yes they do. Your sister and your brother and your dad and mother too. Big people, small people, matter of fact, all people. Everyone makes mistakes, so why can't you?"  It's a lesson we need children to learn and we need to remember and perhaps relearn.  

I once worked for the president of a company who could be a little gruff.  (Okay, maybe a lot.)  However, he was fair and one of the best things he did (at least for me) was not just to call out any errors or made, but to use it as a "teachable moment."  It turned a negative into a positive (sort of).  Most importantly it did not allow me to sow the seeds of self-doubt in myself.

I don't need help to sow those seeds.  I freely admit that I have low self-esteem.  If you give me a pep talk full of all sorts of wonderful things, but include one negative, that's what I will focus on.  Yes, I know I shouldn't but I do.  I am a 50+ year old woman full of self-doubt, anxiety and fear.  One little nudge and I go over the edge into full-fledged emotional breakdown and panic.  (Although I do try to hide it...I don't do so well on that either.)  I know it's something I need to work on (don't we all), just look at my post from earlier in the week:  https://bfthsboringblog.blogspot.com/2024/12/its-december.html  I am a frazzled mess.

The other day I made a mistake.  It was a big mistake.  It was caught and it was fixed, but nonetheless, it was a big mistake and I "should have known better."  I have no real excuse.  I was frazzled and rushed (SLOW DOWN).  I was called out on it privately as well as publicly and it sent me into a tailspin for the rest of the day.  (And, if I'm being honest is continuing.)  I let the berating dig deep into my core and as a result, I questioned everything I did.  Was I doing this right?  Why did I know this?  Why couldn't I find something.  Why didn't I know?  Why didn't I remember?  WHY?  I let myself be knocked down not just by another person, but by myself and as a result I questioned the quality of my work and (even worse) worth.

I tried to go with my "mantra", breathing in and out with the words:  "It is well...with my soul."  It may have helped a little, but my own inner turmoil was fighting every bit of calm that I was trying to reclaim.

What could I have done to douse my self-doubt and calm myself?  Nothing.  I'm me and I'm a mess.  However, that DOESN'T mean I shouldn't remind myself of a couple of things to try and (somewhat) restore my self-worth.  Things that I remind others of when they may be in a similar situation and that I need to apply to myself as well.

• You are more than a job title.  Your job may be what you do, but it is not who you are.  Each and every one of us is many things, not just one.  Some days you're going to suck at one and screw up.  That doesn't diminish all the other things that you are.
• Take a moment (or more) to breathe.  This is particularly hard for me as I allow myself to continually feel rattled and rushed, but we all need to take a moment.  In the midst of chaos, the best thing we can do sometimes (even though it may seem impossible) is to step away.
• Don't be afraid to find someone to talk with/vent to.  Again, even just a few minutes with a friend, even if it's on the phone, can help talk you down from the ledge that you may find yourself on.  I purposely sought out a friend/co-worker who had been in a similar situation.  I knew that she would understand and that alone was a comfort.
• If you can't be kind to yourself, be kind to others.  Notice the kindness that is around you.  It IS there.  It may not stand out, but it is there.  Take every little bit of it and try to absorb it.
• Finally, as hard as it may be, know that a new day brings a fresh start.  Don't dwell on the mistakes and heartbreak of the past, look forward and remember that each and every person on this planet matters, including you.

Now I will confess that writing this all down helped me a little bit.  I will (and have tried to) follow my own advice.  I still need a bit of uplifting, so if you have something positive that you want to share with me today, do it.  And know that if you are sowing your own seeds of self-doubt, I am here for you to listen and support.