Control


I am a control freak.  No question.  No apologies. (Although maybe there should be?)  Just flat out confession (although I'm sure it comes as no surprise):  I am a control freak.

I like to have a plan.  I like to have a back-up plan to the plan in case something changes.  (See...I'm adaptable, as long as I can control the adaptation!)  I like to discuss plans.  I like to work on plans.  I like to organize.  It gives me a sense of control.

But let's face it; I don't have control over most things...even though I might think/hope/pretend that I do.

I cannot control the weather.  That downpour/tsunami that I faced on my way to the Chris Isaak concert last week?  I had no control over it.  It was a mess and I had to deal with it.  I tried to be smart about it.  I drove cautiously and I brought an umbrella (which didn't work too well).  I did my best, but I cannot control the weather.

I cannot control the traffic.  Route 3 is the ban of my existence on a daily basis.  The Garden State Parkway on a weekend in the summer is a nightmare!  I cannot control it.  What I can do is leave early in the morning in the summer so that the parkway isn't so bad.  I can do backroads if Route 3 is shut down, but I will still have to deal with massive amounts of traffic as everyone else does the same.  I can do my best to remain calm (ha!), but I cannot control the traffic.

I cannot control my place of employment.  I cannot control the fact that I may not always be employed there.  I can hope that I will.  I can do the best that I can.  I can be a model employee.  But none of that guarantees that I will have a job tomorrow, or next month, or next year.  I can work to the best of my ability and show my value, but I cannot control what the corporation might decide to do.

I cannot control other people.  I cannot make my husband do things I want him to do.  I can push and I can nudge, but I cannot control him.  I cannot control my son when it comes to school.  I can threaten and cajole; I can plead and bargain; but I cannot control him.  I cannot control my parents.  I can make suggestions and recommendations, but I cannot control what they want to do or what they are going to do.  I cannot control other people.

What I CAN control is ME.  

Lately, I've forgotten that.  Or I've pushed it aside.  I've allowed myself to take the easy reactionary path.  I'm not proud of that.  In the midst of the chaos that life brings, I've given in.  I've created quick fixes that are not really fixes.  

Why have I done it?  Because it is easy.  It is easy to consume massive amounts of pizza and wine after a long day.  It tastes good.  There is nothing wrong with pizza and wine...IF you have control.  And lately I haven't worked to that end.  A piece of pizza and a glass of wine is fine...more than a couple of pieces of pizza and more glasses of wine is NOT good.  And if it was a once in a while thing, it wouldn't be so bad, but...

It's not just about food...although the scale, the fit of my clothes and the way I feel about that might say otherwise.  I've been "following" the WW plan since late January.  It works.  My following since April has not.  Hence I find myself back at the starting gate...and it's NOT because of the program, it's because I wasn't following the program and I wasn't giving myself control over what I was shoving in my mouth.

It's also about reactions to things.  Perhaps we have all heard at one time or another that we should control our emotions.  I don't think that's quite right.  I think we should allow ourselves to have a controllable emotional response.  That is to allow ourselves an emotional release; because that is needed; and then after a prescribed amount of time (and that would vary from person to person and situation to situation) to gather up ourselves and let our own rationality take over.  Then we are in control.

None of this is easy.  That's why I've allowed myself to fall into the trap of NOT thinking things through and NOT being in control.  And while I KNOW I will take the quick fix path again (because I am human and that's how things are in the real world), I am (once again) making the concerted effort to be in control of ME.  Because I am the only one I can control.  It's not easy; it WON'T be easy.  It is, however, the right thing to do.

Control...

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