Not to be too maudlin, but today is the 5th anniversary of my brother's death.
What bothers me most is that he seems so far away. The memories that I have are receding. I have to focus more to remember times we had together and I don't want that. It bothers me that I DON'T think of him more often.
I drive past the cemetery where he is buried just about every week day (on my way to work). But I don't stop in often. Maybe once or twice a year.
I have lots of photos in my cubicle at work. But he's not in any of them. I have lots of photos on my mantle at home. He's only in one of them (from the day that I was married).
It bothers me that I can barely remember the last time we were together. It was in April...I only know/remember this because my son, my husband and I had been to Disney World for spring break and I brought back an Orange Bird "sippy" cup for my brother. I know I gave it to him...I don't know what happened to it.
But I can remember, in vivid detail, the afternoon he died and the day after. I can remember what I did that day. I can tell you where I went shopping (for a skirt that I was going to wear the next day at church for a confirmation service that I never made it to). I can tell you what I had for lunch. I can tell you who came to my parents' house that afternoon/evening and in what order they arrived. (As my 6 year old son held the door open as people came by.) I can tell you what I wore the next day when making arrangements at the funeral parlor.
I can remember the day we buried him. How it was cool in the morning and hot in the afternoon. How many people packed the funeral home? How three of us spoke that morning: myself and two of his best friends. How grateful I was that they were there and for what they said.
These memories are all too clear. The memories of when we were younger and all the things we did together are fading. I don't want them to...
My brain is crammed with so many things. Many that are unimportant while the things that I treasure and try to hold onto fade into the recesses.
Maybe this is why I take so many photos now. (Just ask my son and my husband.) I'm always clicking away with my phone and/or camera. A way to hang onto memories so that they won't fade? A wish that I had done more of this before?