Summer has always been
one of my favorite times of year. I think it is also one of my son's favorite
part of the year and not just because he gets a break from school. However, for
both of us summer is becoming more of a challenge.
This particular summer
seems to be more so. Not just because of all the storms, the heat, and humidity!
The humidity is probably the worst though…it makes everything damp in the
house. The cost of using air conditioning not just to cool the house but to
make it less “wet.” The constant dampness and daily rain. (Though last night's
thunderstorm was amazing to watch). Although that has certainly
contributed to making this a challenging summer, it’s not really what gets to
me (and I suspect to him).
My son has said this summer
that he really misses the shore. I get that. I miss the shore too. But that's
not exactly what he means. Yes, he misses going to the beach. But if he was
really so desperate, we could go down on his own on a day off. There are places
with public beaches. He has a friend whose family has a house not far from the
beach. He has stayed there before with that friend. And he loves that area. But
that's not what it's all about.
We don't miss the shore
per se; not completely. What we miss is what we had at the shore. The shore we knew when my parents were alive
and active. It is during the summer that I feel the void left by my parents
more so than any other time of year. And I think that's part of what my son is
missing too. It's not just the house that I sold. It was what the house, its
contents and the people associated with it. It’s an ideal version of what
happened, but that's what memories are.
I also find the summer
is when I miss my parents the most. It is the season that I associate with
them. When I was young they were all about the beach. When I was older they
were more about sailing on the day. The season and summer activities are what I
associate with my parents.
Also summer is the time
when a lot of “events” occur. My birthday, my father's birthday, my
husband's birthday, my son's birthday, and our wedding anniversary all falls
within the summer. Not having my parents around when these occasions are marked
is difficult. And that difficulty and that has not abated over the years. Just
when I think I am good, something suddenly comes up and makes me miss them even
more
For some reason, this
summer if I find more than ever that I miss talking with my mother. I miss
sharing with her. I know we would have talked for hours about the crazy
weather. I know I would have told her all about the down trees on our property.
These are not necessarily vital things, but they are things that we would talk
about. I imagine what she might say. I miss the sound of her voice.
I miss being able to
share good news with her. My mother died before my son graduated and my father
at that time was very ill and not always cognizant. They didn't get to go to
the musical he was in (“Hello Dolly”) when he was a senior. I know my mom would
have loved it. They didn't get to hear about the awards that he won before
graduation. They didn't get to see his graduation. They didn't get to hear the
tales of moving him into college. I know they both would have loved to have
learned about all my sons’ adventures. I know they would have been so proud,
just as I am.
There have been so many
milestones in my son's life over the past several years that they did not get
to experience or hear about. With each one, my mind automatically turns to
telling them. When my son was accepted as a volunteer at the local museum, I
immediately wanted to call my mother. When he got a new part-time job over the summer,
which hopefully might pick up again over winter break, I want to share the news
with my dad. Just the other day, he got an email from his academic advisor,
asking him if he would be a TA (Teacher’s assistant) for one of her classes. It
means that he will have to drop a class, but the opportunity is really too good
to pass up. It o means he will be paid, not much, but still something. And it
means that he will not be able to do any crazy weekend work at his current
part-time job. (His manager has suggested that maybe he could come back from
college on the weekends to help out. That would have been great, but it also
would have been very crazy. I love that my son to wants to be responsible, and
a job is part of that, but it's this senior year and I also wanted to have a
little bit of fun.). When he told us first thing’ despite the fact that it has
been 4 years since my mom died and 3 years since my dad, that came to my mind
with I want to tell my parents. But I can't. I could tell my mother-in-law, but
I didn't because I wanted my son to be able to share the news with her. I could
tell my Aunt Julie, and I did and she was thrilled, but it wasn't the same
telling my parents. It wasn't the same because the certain unexplainable
something isn't there. The excitement in my voice as I shared the news with my
mom; I miss that. I miss being able to share good things with my parents and
especially my mother.
Yes I have other
outlets, such as this blog where I can spew all of the news that I want to brag
about. Maybe that is why I continue to blog? However it isn't the same as being able to
share it with my parents. There was just special something about it. I never
knew how much it meant to me. I never knew how difficult it would be even years
after they passing. I never knew.
So summer, as much as I
love it, will always be a difficult time.
Not a bad time, but a difficult one.
I guess that’s just life.
Comments
Post a Comment