I am SO Tired

 But maybe tired isn't the right word.  I'm worn.  I'm sluggish.  I'm unfocused.  So exhausted that I couldn't even begin to write this  for several hours even though I wanted to.  Wait, maybe tired IS the right word!

It's been a long week and while I feel as if I haven't gotten much accomplished, I know that I have gotten SOME things accomplished.  I need to remember Bishop Desmond Tutu's sage advice:  

This week has been full of small bites, just not necessarily the bites that I wanted to take. There is so much that I NEED to do and that I (unjustly) feel that I MUST do NOW.  I've forgotten that things take time.  (Or to quote Ringo:  "Time takes time.")  So rather than focus on what I DIDN'T do (call the plumber, gas up the car, go to the ATM) or things that I COULDN'T do yet (close out my dad's bank account, get the will into probate), I should think about what I DID do.  Let me think about the small bites of elephant that I DID take:

  • Arranged another memorial for my dad at the end of the month at the shore (but I haven't put together a photo collage or written anything that I'd like to say there)
  • Worked a full time job (but did so remotely and didn't physically go into the office)
  • Cleaned out 3 kitchen cabinets  (but there are a dozen more to go)
  • Cleaned out most of the pantry; donating what hadn't expired to my local food pantry and tossing the rest (but ignoring other shelves; especially shelves that I can't reach without help)
  • Emptied the majority of bureau drawers at the shore house (but still haven't organized what is left)
  • Tossed out most of the food stuff and odds and ends that my dad's caregiver left behind (but there is still more and the bag of clothes that she left for me to donate to the thrift shop is still sitting in the living room)
  • Aired out the house (but it still needs cleaning and even though the cleaning team is coming next week there were things I could have done)
  • Got rid of the worn/torn mattress pad that was on the caregiver's bed (but haven't made that bed or any of the other beds in the house that need to be done.)
  • Filled a HUGE garbage can with "stuff" (but I should have borrowed the neighbors and filled that as well)

Maybe 'm not so good at focusing on the little bites!

 The fact of the matter is that when someone dies there is so much to do besides just dealing with the death.  (Just?!)  There is the aftermath.  There are the administrative tasks.  There are the little chores and cleaning out to do.   People to thank.   Just so much STUFF.

 And there's no way to do it right away because if you did try to do it, you'd be overwhelmed.  (Remember, that's my word of the year).  Even if you don't try to do it all, it's still overwhelming when you think of it.

 Then you forget.  Example:  today I was up at 5:30 to do my weekly grocery shopping with hubby.  We bought a bunch of stuff (as we usually do) and since I haven't been "home" for a couple of days, I bought some lamb to throw in the crock pot. (Hubby's not a fan, but my teen and I love it and since he's got 3 parties over the weekend, I KNOW he won't be home for dinner on Saturday or Sunday).  We came home and unloaded the groceries.  I got to work.  I did a load of laundry (only one because my husband did at least one while I was away...and while I was away I did my own small load).  I did some "death administrative work."  I picked up copies of my dad's death certificate (so now I can start working on the next steps.)  And as I was getting ready for an early lunch, I realized that I never started dinner.  Now, I still had time to crock.  (So we'll eat a little later, no big deal.)  However, it bothered me that I completely forgot about it.

 I am trying to take too many big bites of elephant, aren't I?  

(There's still a business email that I began composing early this morning that I haven't finished or sent.)

Too many bites of elephant!  (And to be honest, I never completely finished the last elephant -- completely finishing up some administrative tasks from when my mom died last year.)

I'm going to stop writing this now and I'm going to TRY to stop beating myself up.  (Good luck with that!)  I'm going to take a few minutes and go lie down in the cool(ish), dark bedroom and watch a few minutes of mindless something on tv.  (Because:  MINDLESS!)  Then I'll be back to tackle a few more bites of elephant.


 


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