Younger

There's a new series on TV Land called Younger that I decided to watch because it stars Sutton Foster (who is think is incredibly talented, especially after seeing her yodel in "Young Frankenstein.") and because it sounded really interesting.  A woman in her 40s (Sutton Foster is in her 40s???  No Way! Ok, so she JUST turned 40 last month.  How can that be?  Do I need to say that I am OLDER than Sutton Foster??), unable to get a job upon returning to the workforce after being a stay at home mom (sound familiar to anyone out there?) is mistaken for a woman in her 20s,  (Only Sutton Foster and her flawless skin could get away with this).  She reinvents herself as a recent college grad (erasing all vestiges of her life on the internet -- can you really do that???) and manages to land a job as an assistant at a publishing firm.  She's put down by her "older" (40-something) female boss and befriended by a co-worker (who is 20-something).  I only saw the first two episodes that have aired, so I'm not sure how this will all pan out, but I will keep watching, even if it depresses me that I am OLDER than everyone in the cast!  (Just as it depresses me to realize that recently most of the people I am working with and/or for are YOUNGER.)

The show did make me do something thinking/reflecting: 

• How did I get here?  I must have been in my twenties and perky at some point. Why am I not still in my 20s?  Where did that time go?  I DO know I'm no longer in my twenties or even my thirties, but how did I get here?  How did I get old? I'm getting dangerously close to the mid-century mark and yet I'm no closer to knowing what my "purpose" is.  I still don't know what my dream job would be.  Even worse, although I've been in the business world working for over 20 years, I'm still barely earning enough to make ends meet.  (Although to be honest when I started out I was only supporting myself AND I was living at home; now I support 3 people and have a heck of a lot more bills!)  I'm still wondering where I am going...and when I will get there?  Will I ever "make" anything of myself?  I just happened to get my college's newsletter the same day that I watched this show and it seems like many of my friends and "sisters"' have done well for themselves:  they are professors, business owners, etc.  Here I am just trying to hang on.  While I do doubt my intelligence at times; I am relatively smart.  Not the smartest in the room, but ahead of the curve.  So why haven't I figured out what my "purpose" is or found that career or job that will put me over the top?

• Where did these wrinkles come from?  There is that deep rut in the middle of my forehead (that I try to cover up with bangs) and those crinkles at the corners of my eyes seem to spread further and further out.  How old do I look?  I know I could never pass for 20s.  (Feel free to contradict me here.  PLEASE contradict me!) Could I pass for 30s? (Someone, ANY ONE say yes!) Do I look early 40s or am already looking like I am 50ish?  (Oh God, please don't tell me that!)  Do I think Sutton Foster looks 20ish?  Well, it's a TV series and she's got the help of a wide variety of professionals to make her look good.  (Although she wore little or no make-up on her recent Broadway venture "Violet" and she still came off as pretty and youthful.  Should I be damning her for good genes?)  I’m not sure I'd peg her for being in her 20s.  (Although if that's what I was told, I don't think I would question it.)  How old would people think I am if I asked?  Do I really want to know the answer?  And why, if I am getting wrinkles am I still breaking out and have pores the size of the Grand Canyon???  (Ok, maybe they are not that bad, but they are large and perpetually filled with whatever gross stuff blackheads are made of.  TMI, I know...sorry!)  Is this all just related to my addiction to the 10x magnification mirror that I have?  When is my skin going to stop being young and acne filled AND old, dry and full of wrinkles?  I think I missed a stage in there somewhere?  When do I get my lovely glowing, flawless skin?  Or did I miss it all or did I hit my peak when I was between 2 and 7???

• While I am pretty happy with the life I lead, why didn't it turn out the way that it was "supposed to"?  On the other hand, what WAS it supposed to be?  Was life supposed to be the 1950s ideal or the 1970s ideal?  What was the 1980s ideal?  What was the 1990s ideal?  How did I miss all this? What WAS I supposed to do?  I would be lying if I said I didn't have a few regrets, after all we all do make mistakes. I love my family and friends and wouldn't trade them for all the money in the world.  There are times I wonder if I should have zigged instead of zagged.  Should I have focused on x instead of y?  When did everything I know become outdated and how did I let myself miss out on what "everyone else" seems to know? Would I have been able to make a better life for myself and my family if I had just done one little thing different?  (Or many little things different?  Or should it have been one BIG thing??)  Again, it comes back to how did I get here?  I know my history and my path and yet at the same time it still seems a mystery.  I've passed through my 20s and 30s and am well into my 40s. (See how I still hid my exact age?)  When do I get "it"?  When will I know that I have arrived at my destination, or perhaps I should say when I am walking the right path?  Because even as I creep towards the mid-century mark, I'm still not sure what road to take.  Heck I'm not even sure of the name of the road that I'm on!

Perhaps this is my mid-life crisis coming out on the page (or on the post as the case may be).  How frightening is it to realize that I'm at mid-life or maybe even passed it!  Some people buy flashy cars; I rant and rave on a web blog.  If nothing else, it has its financial advantages.  And if I'm lucky, maybe someone wiser (but not necessarily older) will have some thoughts or advise for me.

In the meantime, as I sit here in front of my computer, I'm wearing my outrageous flower print pants.  It's a sign of spring AND a sign that I'm still trying to be "younger."  Can I get away with it?  Maybe.  Maybe not. But the one thing I know about myself is that I will keep trying.  Right or wrong, I know I'll continue to try to be "younger" and find that "purpose;" no matter how old I get to be. (Yes, when I'm 115, I'll still try to be as young and hip as those gals who are 80!)