Once Upon A Time...

...I believed that if you worked hard, be it in school getting good grades or at a job, you would get ahead.  That things would work out all right.  Maybe you wouldn't be a zillionaire or even a millionaire, but that it would be alright.  If you worked hard; if you were a good person (and I'll admit I'm not exactly sure how you should definite "good") that things would work out.  Not that things would be perfect (although that would be nice), but that they would be all right.  That was the order of the world as I thought I understood it.

Now I am older...older than I care to admit (I keep trying to convince myself that I can pass for someone in their thirties, but who am I kidding other than myself?), I'm sadly realizing that it isn't that way.

I'd like to believe that I've tried my best.  I KNOW that I am a good person, but I've come to realize that isn't enough.

It's safe to say that I'm struggling.  Yes, when you look at a global picture, I and my family are better off than most.  But I am nowhere near where I thought I once might be.

Again, I thought that the desire to work and the drive to do what was right would get someone ahead in the world.  I thought ethics counted.  I thought being "a good person" meant something.  That you were continuously moving forward.

Sadly, as I move towards the half century mark (and I won't say how close I actually am...just know that I am less than 10 year away), I see that career-wise, or at least "financially" wise I am taking one step forward and two steps back.  I struggle to keep pace.

Again I say, I know I am better off than so many others.  I have a family.  I have a roof over my head (to which I should also thank my family).  I am not (yet) in debt.  But instead of swimming ahead; I find myself treading water.

What have I done wrong?  Have I done wrong?  When did I turn left when I should have turned right (or vice versa)?

And while I didn't think that I would be wealthy at this age (okay, maybe I dreamed as much), I did think that I would be relatively well off as a result of my own efforts.  Instead I find myself wondering what I should do next.  How can I manage to keep afloat without relying on outside forces?

I wonder about my own worth and sense of self.  Self doubt begins to creep in.  Am I not as intelligent as I thought I was?  Who did I think I was any way?'

When did being "middle class" become so difficult?  And will it ever be an achievable goal, not just by me, but by others who face the same struggles and fears?